Today's Thoughts...and Choice Words

SO - the phrase of the day is "he also called it the F-word".  I could end my blog entry here and you would get the gist of the rest of this post.  The added bonus of the day (story to follow) was summed up by my husband saying, "it was a good run; it's the end of an era."

Starting with the end of "the good life" - today we lost the innocence of my 6-year-old daughter when she learned the F-bomb from a kid at school; and our not-quite-2-and-a-half-year-old decided he can all of a sudden pole vault out of his crib.  I have one word for all of THAT - but I am trying to set a good example; one better than the kid at school set today.

I love that my daughter feels safe enough to approach my husband and I about questions about what she has heard at school.  The worst part is trying not to laugh at her when she looks you in the eye at the dinner table and says "what word does this mean?" and hold up her middle finger.  We said we weren't sure but we knew it was not nice and not something little girls do.  She admitted who she heard it from at school, and we encouraged her not to share her 'finger moves' with any other children.  She seemed to take everything seriously and we moved on in conversation.  After the younger boys had finished and left the table, she turned to my husband and as clear as a bell, with a face straighter then Hitler's, and a curiosity that killed 12 cats said, "well, do you know what the word F*#K means?" (Because we were obviously stupid enough not to know what the middle finger meant; which I am guessing she already knew meant the F-word!)

My darling husband has a bad poker face; when he is uncomfortable or shocked or in trouble he smiles, or worse, he laughs.  This sort of thing might get a person in trouble with authority, wives, and today, daughters.  Yes, yes he did.  He laughed out loud as she asked her question again.  The shock of the clearest, sweetest use of the F-word rolled off my daughter's tongue and slapped my husband on the funny bone.  Now, I admit, I also smiled for a small second because, let's face it, although this is quite tragic, I am hoping you can also see how hilarious it is.  Pure innocence, totally and simply inquiring as to what the meaning of this strange word was. 

To make light of the laughing encouragement, my husband did explain to her how it wasn't funny but, "I laugh when I am uncomfortable, and it is very shocking to hear someone so young say that word."  I could go on and on explaining how we explained to her how naughty this word is.  For example, “If you say it to a police officer you will go to jail."  To which she replied, "even kids?"  We said "yes." :) You get the idea...

After 5 minutes of explaining away why not to say it, and how we would have to tell her teacher about the kid who taught her the word, she said "he also calls it the F-word."  Commence the second 5-minute round of explanations.  After all of this, she simply said, "okay but what does it MEAN?"  Sigh. We said, "it doesn't really mean anything.  It's just a dirty nasty word."  I mean - she would have been scarred for life if we had told her all the context and meanings of the F-word!  So versatile is that one...

I am happy to announce that my darling daughter was already in bed when that choice F-bomb dropped out of my mouth when my 2-year-old appeared in the hall after we had put him to bed.  I was hoping it was simply a scary-movie-come-to-life when babies crawl walls or whatever.  Alas, it was truly the tiny human who is apparently slightly less tiny then yesterday, but 10 times more stubborn.  Thank God for the video monitor - my husband and I stood outside his door and went in every time he got up to try to climb out.  I like to think that tiny human was thinking, "How the F do they know what I am doing?"  HAHAHA the joke is on you, kid.  Third time's a charm; mom and dad are smarter than at least one kid.  For now! 

In ending, I am just proud to say that my daughter respects the F word and has no intention of spreading awareness or using it at all.  I am most delighted in the fact that she felt safe enough in our relationship with her to ask us about the F-word, and when we asked her where she heard it she DID NOT say, “You!” 

It's Been Too Long and New Inspirations

Wow, I can not believe it has been almost 2 years since I posted to this blog.  I started a Twitter account to keep track of the funny stuff my kids say but I need to pick this back up. 

This time I am not holding back.  I have a new perspective on my own life, and life around me in general.  I need to tell it like it is.  Laugh about the shit that is painful.  Let people know life is not beautiful or neat or perfect! I have changed my expectations about who is going to read this crap.  It would be a lie to say that I am 'only doing this for me; to document the funny life I lead.'  LIE.  I find my family totally amusing and you should, too.  I should be famous for the crap I put up with from my kids.  But I am sure I won't be and that is okay.  My new expectation is not to be blog-famous (sigh) but to get JOY out of life in general and find the positive side of all the happenings in my world.  So, I hope who ever reads this gets a little bit of joy. 

Joy: the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.

I will not be angry at you if your joy in reading my stories- or babbles, as they may be- comes from feeling better about yourself in the grandeur of my days' demise.  I watch the show, 16 and Pregnant to make myself feel better, so why shouldn't you use me to feel better about yourself?!

In finding the joy in some of the hilariousness of my own life, I will try to catch you up on a few funny things that my kids have said in the past 'while'.  These are adapted from a couple of tweets starting in June 2013.  (Daughter is my oldest, Middle is my middle son, and Tiny Human is my youngest son).

•  While driving along I was curious what my tiniest human was babbling about and so I asked Middle, "is he laughing" to which Middle replied, "no, he is just amazed at what he sees".  Hum, I find this ironic since Tiny Human is sitting rear-facing in his car seat, in a DARK car!
• After my latest hair-do, which I went to great lengths to think about, plan, Google pictures, and finally decide on, Daughter says, "Your hair is pretty, mom.  It's brown and blonde; something I've never seen before".  Sigh, I guess I need a touch up!
• Husband, "penguin"; Daughter, "what did you say?"; Husband, "penguin"; Daughter, "what did you say?"; Husband, "Penguin!"; Daughter, "pig with wings??"
• My Aunt visited my parents' simultaneously to us, and when she asked Middle, "how many chickens do Grammie and Grampie have?" Middle replied, "I know horses poop their babies".  Hum, thanks, buddy.  Very valuable information, even if it is not relevant to the current chicken population on the farm.

Lots more tidbits to come.  I am hoping to pop in whenever I am inspired and when I am not I am hoping to pop in and do some more catch-up quotes from my hilarious children. 

Booty and the Trampoline

SO as I am standing in line for the 'worst mom in the world' certificate (not far from the front); I come to admit what some moms are utterly embarrassed to.  "I LET MY KIDS WATCH TV.  and SOME DAYS I LET MY KIDS WATCH LOTS OF TV."

There.  I said it.  Now moving on...

Our daily argument between the 3 year-old and 4 year-old is, "whose turn is it to pic a show?"  My first thought is always, "we never got to pick when I was a kid!  What was on was what you got!  And you HAD to watch commercials!"  Now, my kids are used to having things 'ON DEMAND' with no commercials, or I have DVR'd the three latest of their favorite shows.  Lots of their favorite shows are on a channel with no commercials, anyway! 

Don't get me wrong - I love channels or on demands or recordings with no commercials.  Otherwise it's, "mommy, mommy, mommy, commercial.  Fast forward it!"  I have tired to teach both kids how to do this on their own but somehow it is better when I do it for them. 

The problem is that at 6:30 a.m. when I have just put the baby down for a 'nap' and my preschoolers come rolling in ready to face the day with the energy of 10,000 sugared-up fire ants, I like to put on a 24 minute show (wishing they made 45 minute shows!) and hide my head under the pillow and do what my husband and I like to call "pretending to sleep."  Pretending to sleep is a little lie I tell myself so I feel better about the loss of my former self that wouldn't dream of rolling out of bed before 6:45, even when I did have to be at work at 8a.m.  Sigh.  Commence the 24 minute show and God bless the soul who made it without commercials.

We are normally back out of bed, downstairs, breaking up fights and re-attaching limbs by 7:30 or 8a.m. on a REALLY good day.  And we keep the TV off.  Until I need to make a call. Or put the baby back down.  Or God forbid sit on the toilet by myself.  I guess the bottom line is that I use the TV as a babysitter sometimes.  Sigh (again).  I don't like to admit that.  I wish I didn't have to do that.  But the honest truth is that somewhere along the line I had 2 kids who fight like the dickens and I can't be having bite marks and missing chunks of hair on them when we go to Target.  Life is sometimes quieter and easier with TV. 

Athough I don't like the TV we watch as a babysitter, I do like family movie time.  When we finish dinner early and make a big bag of home-made popcorn (thank you sweet hubby) and plop down to watch a movie.  Cuddles and the works.  This warms my heart. 

In getting back to the title of this post; a movie that comes up in request from time to time, and has also debuted on the favorites list for a week or so at a time is "Lady and the Tramp."  Which Chex calls, "Lady and the Trampoline."  Cracks me up every time.  And I don't correct him because it is too cute.  Now, the other movie he doesn't really like is "Beauty and the Beast."  Both kids find it a bit scary I think. 

So, here we are coming down the stairs, I have not even said we could watch a movie, and they are screaming at each other and complaining about what they are and are not going to watch. (Because they think THEY are in control.  Which, I promise you, they are not.)  Chex is behind Sadie and I hear him half cry/half say, "I don't want to watch 'Booty and the Trampoline.'"  I about die laughing to myself, and my inner voice says, "me neither, buddy.  Someone would surely injure themselves in a very unpleasant location!"  Yet, I say nothing.  Stifle my snickers.  Pull out a craft.  Make a gallon of coffee, and smile at my life.  Then I consider calling Playboy and offering them the title....

Hunting Cantaloupe

The other day Chex was marveling at Sadie eating almost an entire half of a cantaloupe by herself;he didn't want to try it.  He asked me what it was called and I said, "its cantaloupe, its delicious."  His face screwed up into a wrinkled-nose-you've-got-to-be-joking kindda way and he got quiet.  (I know, its a miracle he was quiet).  A few minutes later he looks at me and says "who shot it?"  Being that several minutes had passed I turned to him in confusion.  As a blanket of clarity hit me, I started to laugh and had a hard time explaining through the giggles.

You see, I come from a hunting family; I've even killed a few deer myself, when I was a teenager (I know, suburbia hides my lethal side).  My baby sister and my dad are best hunting buddies, and this past fall/winter season they took a cross-country trip to Idaho to hunt antelope.  Are you getting the blanket of clarity?  Chex was staring at his sister in awe as she ate what he thought to be large juicy chunks of antelope and he was wondering if we had slayed and chopped it up right that very morning for every one's dining delight!  I explained the difference to him, and he seemed relieved.  (Not that the kids haven't seen deer hanging in the barn at my parents' house).  He tried the fruit and loved it.  I am glad I can teach my children something new every day :)

Welcoming thoughts....

Hi - So this is my first attempt at real blogging.  I have a photography company (www.masteringyou.com) that I run in blog form, but nothing personal.  I have wanted to do this for years; mostly since I had kids; partly as a way to record our memories and fun stories, and also to share the HILARIOUS stuff that seems to be a part of my new 'mom-normal'. 

What finally got me off my butt was my middle child and first son, Chex (ok, he's Charles Alexander....If I have to explain further, stop reading).  This week (he's 3 & we are potty training) he reverted back from the big potty to the small blue potty (that the potty fairy delivered) when his older sister had to go at the same time...well, he hit #1 and #2 and came away to look and said "look mom, poop soup!"  O.  M.  G.  I thought I would die.  Thus, the inspiration, and fire under my tush to start this blog.  I just CANNOT make this stuff up, people...and believe, me I wish I were :)

SO- Thank you Chex for bringing Mommy to this piece of life.  I am hoping to post often, not because I have horrid stories to share, but because I have funny memories that I don't want three children's worth of mommy amnesia to forget!